i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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