just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
