we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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