I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
