Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
