My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
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