oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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