Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
