honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
