I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
