I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
