yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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