He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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