piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
