Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
