When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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