When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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