you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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