we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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