FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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