i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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