Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
