Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
