i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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