Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
