i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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