when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
