What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
