i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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