Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
