So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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