I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
