he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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