I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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