I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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