my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
