today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What a dumb baby whore.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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