I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
