DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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