It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
