the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
