i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
