I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
