So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
