I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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