after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
