she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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