The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
