you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
