I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
