my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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