The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This is my gift to your gina
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
