I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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