I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
