dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
