This is not my ceiling
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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