you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
